O, Cruel Collar of Caroms
The wisdom has been passed down from generation to generation. It is knowledge hard won through the sacrifice and blood of our ancestors. As each son learned from their father, they could sense in their very soul the truth of it. They knew that – someday – they would teach their own son.
Of course, there were doubters. All men have within them the urge to rebel against the past and blaze their own path. But nothing but heartache and pain came to those who brazenly rejected the ancient teachings. There was the occasional momentary brilliance, which only served to make the fall even greater. Caesar, Napoleon, Milli Vanilli all had tastes of glory turn to ashes in their mouths as they chose reject the truth of the teachings.
Tonight, it was the great prophet Clark Kellogg who passed the precious pearls on to the Pacers:
It is not enough to iron the body of the shirt. Nay! Ye must give proper due to the collar! The collar is truly the key. If the collar is not ironed, then the shirt is wrinkled. There can be no other truth. (The cuffs, however, are optional, as they can always be rolled up.)
But the Pacers. Oh, the Pacers. They were full of the heady wine of recent success. Each time the Clark spoke, he was met with chants of “Smashmouth” and grunts of “Power Post.” The lads were not going to listen, and they cantered into the Palace to meet their challenge. Time and again, they ironed the body, but neglected the collar. Time and again, their foes made them pay.
As time grew short, the boys in Blue and Gold summoned one last charge – determined not to succumb to the fate that befell all who followed this path before them. But in the end was only a distant buzzer. A mournful howl. Defeat.
The collar. O, the collar!
The Pacers fell to the Pistons in Detroit 115-109 in OT. They didn’t defend, and when they did, they didn’t control the defensive rebound. After giving up one of the 42 offensive rebounds (conservatively estimated) in the the third, Clark Kellogg used ironing shirts as an analogy for the problem. This was perhaps the most nonsensical thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
It will haunt me for the rest of my days.